So my doctor suspects I have a fatal illness.

This is what I'm doing with that.

I saw a new doctor last week. His name is Ash and he seems lovely. He came highly recommended for this thoroughness and his ability to handle complex undiagnosed conditions.

After 30 minutes of me explaining my medical history and symptoms, he asked a bunch of questions no other doctor has asked. He then said…

My gut told me that although he was talking in generalities, he was thinking in specifics. When I asked him, he confirmed that he had a particular condition in mind. But he didn’t name it. Again, I asked.

I felt like I was listening through a cloud that protected me from starting to emotionally process what Ash had said until I was ready.

When I got to the car, I called Matt. But he didn’t answer. Mum did. She freaked out.

Then Matt called back.

I drove straight to the beach (my happy place), so I could start to take this all in and process it. My mind freaked out for a few minutes. Then - and I can’t explain how, or why - my mind dropped the topic like a hot potato. Instead of freaking out, it became spacious and calm.

My fear wasn’t gone. It had moved from my mind to my gut. So I sat at the beach. Mind calm. Gut terrified.

After a few hours, my stomach started to calm down too.

Looking at the situation with a calmer attitude felt pretty bloody stellar, and I had an inspired flash of genius: whether I have MND or not, I’m gonna use this experience to make peace with my own death.

I started by practicing dying. I’d go into meditation and contemplate my death. I’d imagine I was in my final minutes.

The first few times were a little scary. And, hilariously, a few of my experiences with it were a little ‘meh’.

But other times have surprised me by being more than a little extraordinary.

When I practice dying now, I usually feel peaceful, expansive and light. I feel like I’m communing not just with death, but also with life and the universe and the magic of existence. I feel more connected than disconnected. I feel more whole.

Which, to be brutally honest - shocked the shit out of me!

We humans are strange creatures. We theoretically understand that death is a part of life. We technically know that we’re all gonna die. But we know it as an abstraction. As a reality? Not so much.

Not until something happens that makes it ‘real’ for us.

When dad got diagnosed with brain cancer late last year, I was shocked to discover just how deluded I still was about death. I may have understood it’s inevitability with my mind, but I didn’t grasp it (even a little) with my being.

When I started to play with my own death inside my inner world, I had no idea just how massive that adventure would be. And how much I would gain from it. I’m starting to see life so differently. As the precious, sacred thing that it is.

I’ve been committed to learning to flow with life (so that I’m no longer fighting my reality) for many years now. Whether my present reality is fucked up or awesome, my intention for myself is the same: I want to be conscious and aware. I want to flow with whatever is happening and I want to live whatever I am living, in the best way I can.

Over the last 3 and a half years, life has been training me well:

As I learn to accept my own inevitable death (whenever that may be), I feel like I’m learning to live. I’m at the beginning of my journey with it, but I feel like learning to not fight death is the ultimate lesson in learning not to fight. And the possibilities that this is opening up for me are unfathomably amazing.

I thought I was happy before. But since I started this experiment, I feel a richer, more consistent level of happiness.

Watching my dad accept his situation and treatment so fully gave me something tangible to aim for. I already felt that he’d taught me a lot. But how I’m dealing with the threat of having my own potentially fatal diagnosis is helping me to see just how much I let it teach me.

I always know I’m making progress on something when I surprise myself. My reaction to that thought was:

I mentioned my surprise at this moment of profound selflessness to a wise friend, and she said, ‘well, if being a saint is the same as having profound acceptance, then yep, I think you’re there’!

So there you have it folks!

I’m publishing this on the same day that I’m seeing the doctor again to get some test results. I may know more then, or I may not. If I feel like it, I may jump into the chat to update you, or I might need time to process it. Who knows. But just in case, this little button will take you to our chat if you don’t already have access to it:

Do I suspect I have MND? Not really. But I might.

Whatever happens, my intention remains the same: live consciously, love hard, and make the best of what’s in front of me.

Talking to the same friend I mentioned above, I told her that about 15 years ago I’d decided that on my death bed, I’d be satisfied with my life if I knew for certain that on balance I’d made the world a better place with my presence.

I already know without a shadow of a doubt that I’ve achieved that. So when it comes to my life, I’ve already won. Everything I get to live from here on out is gravy.

Ok, your turn. If you’ve got anything to say about any of this, I’d love to hear it. If you’re ready to jump in now, here’s the comment button:

If you’d prefer some questions, then here they are:

• What’s your relationship/experience with death?

• How do you think our resistance to death plays out in how we live?

• Watched/heard/read anything that made you smile lately?

Thanks for being here. I adore sharing my world with you and hearing about yours.