Why I'm retiring from 'being of service'.

(It's not what you might think.)

I had a healing a few months ago that said it was time for me to let go of the idea of ‘being of service’.

My mind was immediately affronted by the idea.

My body and energy, on the other hand, felt the truth of it and exhaled in relief.

Years ago I would have decided that one of these reactions was ‘right’, and the other was ‘wrong’. I’d have tried to turn up the volume on the ‘right’ one, while silencing the one I’d declared ‘wrong’.

They’re opposites, so they can’t both be right. Can they?

Well, it turns out they can. But only when I look deep enough.

It’s true that I love helping people.

The relief that I felt at the idea of no longer needing to ‘be of service’ wasn’t because any part of me was saying I wanted to stop helping people. It was highlighting something much deeper.

I think we each have aspects or characteristics that are inherent to who we are. But I also think that when we have adverse experiences/wounds/traumas, those aspects can become a little warped, often creating beliefs that feel true - but are actually somewhat distorted.

Here are some examples:

I enjoy helping people. That’s a natural part of who I am. But anything that I frame as an obligation rather than a choice, will eventually start to feel heavy (often without me even noticing).

Helping people? Being generous? Not heavy.

Feeling like I have to help people or need to be generous? When I pay close attention, that does feel heavy. Because have to/must/should feel like a burden. Like no choice. Like trapped.

Which, when you consider the etymology of the word ‘service’, is pretty bloody interesting!

As I explored the idea of retiring my desire to ‘be of service’, I uncovered something else I’d been entirely unaware of.

I’m someone who’s done the work of cult recovery. Healing myself from the impact of that cult connected me ever-so-deeply with one of my most ardent desires and intentions: I want no part in disempowering anyone. Ever.

As an energy worker and spiritual counsellor, I’ve had a lot of people try to give me their power. When it happens, my body and mind go into warning mode.

Everything I’ve learned in my spiritual/personal development journey has shown me that we are all infinitely powerful. Yes, there are systemic problems we absolutely need to address, and it’s all rather more complicated than I’m about to make it sound. But when it comes to the power of the individual to help themselves and to heal their relationships with themselves and their worlds, nothing (and no one) is more powerful than the person themselves.

One of my top priorities when working with people is to look beyond the pain or confusion they may be presenting with. My job is to see them as what they are beneath the pain: a conscious being with the capacity to change their inner (and therefore outer) worlds. If I see them as disempowered, then I’m not just doing them a disservice - I’m also I’m wildly limiting what it’s possible for us to achieve in our work together.

I genuinely thought that I believed that with every fibre of my being.

And yet, below the level of my conscious awareness, there was a teeny, tiny pocket of me that felt like I had to help people because they needed my help. Which, when you boil it down, is the same as that pocket of me thinking that in the hierarchy of power (as it relates to transformation and healing), I was somehow more powerful than they were.

Because if they NEED me - that must mean they can’t do it without me. And that, dear me, is bullshit.

So this little pocket was sitting inside me, quietly thinking something that directly contradicts my deepest values, without me even realising. Years ago, that would have pissed me off. Actually, that’s an understatement. I would have been furious with the pocket for creating misalignment between me and my values.

Would that have been a productive way for me to handle it? Hell no. But it would’ve been familiar. And familiar tends to feel safe.

Over time, I’ve developed a much more effective strategy for dealing with this kind of inner world discord. The basic formula is curiosity + self-compassion + authentic, loving communication.

With regards to pocket friend, that looked something like this:

That’s the thing about the inner work (aka play). We all have pockets of discord within us. The more open we are to seeing the hidden thoughts we have that go against our values (and the more compassion we access in dealing with them), then the quicker we clear up the unconscious stuff that stands in the way of us being our most genuine and authentic selves.

The healing I mentioned earlier suggested that instead of trying so hard to ‘be of service’, I might want to consider sharing what I feel like sharing instead. That felt supremely light, and like a massive relief to all aspects of me.

Going forward, here’s what I don’t wanna do:

• preach

• feel like I’m trying to teach you something

• imply that I know what you need better than you do

• do anything (either consciously or unconsciously) to make you adopt my world view or opinions.

What I DO want, is to share myself, my journey and my explorations with you in real and authentic ways. To connect, to create community and to sprinkle lightness and delight into the world.

The rest is no longer my business. And wow does that feel good!

Got anything to say in response to any of this? I’d love to hear it! Here’s the comment button so you can share:

I’d also love to know what your favourite drawing was this week (if you had a favourite) and anything else you may wanna share.

Because, after all,

I love that you’re here and I hope to see you in the comments!

Ps. Bonus points for noticing the repeat appearance (and cheeky repurposing!) of pocket friend!