So my doctor no longer thinks I have a fatal condition.
And here's what I'm doing with that...
I don’t have MND/ALS!!
(If you missed last week’s post, you can catch up on that here)
The relief was so intense that when Dr Ash told me I didn’t need to worry about MND anymore, I melted into a puddle.
Matt and I haven’t stopped spontaneously high-fiving each other.
Matt made my favourite cocktail and I celebrated in style…
While doing all this celebrating, I couldn’t help but think about the people who had the same wait as us, but got a different result. We were massively lucky and I feel for those that aren’t.
When I was living inside the ‘holy shit, my doctor thinks I have a fatal illness’ bubble, I couldn’t help but marvel at the magic of life. I didn’t even try to be grateful; appreciation became my default state.
A couple of days after being told I could stop fretting about my imminent demise, I noticed Matt and I gently reverting back to our previous attitudes.
When Matt was worrying about me dying, he became entirely incapable of getting annoyed with me! I joked to mum that ‘right now, I could get away with anything’ (lucky for him I just happen to not be evil).
As normality returned, Matt quietly reclaimed the ability to get mildly (and to be fair, very occasionally) irritated with me.
But clever me offered him the perfect solution:
I started relapsing too. My eyes of wonder and appreciation slowly started to see what they’d perceived as wonderous just days ago, as more than a little ‘meh’.
Now that we’re on the other side of the The Scare, I’m glad it happened. It triggered massive inner growth for me. And although I’ve slightly lost my hold on that expansion, I’m committed to reclaiming the ‘everything is a miracle’ perspective that the experience gifted me.
Adulting can get heavy. Responsibilities and long to-do lists can zap the magic. Not from the world itself, but from the perspective with which we view it.
Thanks to The Scare, I’ve now lived 9 consecutive days as an adult who sees life and the world as miraculous, incredible, magical and sacred.
I don’t want to return to seeing beautiful, vibrantly alive beings like trees as ‘things’. And I don’t want the weight of ‘responsibilities’ to dull my wonder or my awe.
My new self-directed adventure is to play with consciously finding my way back to that expanded perspective in a more permanent way. Without having to rely on fear or shock to get me there.
It’s funny how our minds work. I could still get killed by any number of potential accidents. That could happen TODAY. And yet, I find myself slipping every-so-slightly back into my previous, comfortable delusion: considering my death ‘far enough away’ that I don’t really need to think about it.
I don’t want to fall back into that alluring fallacy. And so, life provides me with reminders:
One of my best friends’ dad is about to make his transition.
And my beautiful 96 year-old grandmother died 5 days ago.
If I had to fill out a form declaring the status of my relationship with Death right now, I’d have to go with ‘it’s complicated’.
I know that Death isn’t going anywhere. And one day - who knows when - we’ll have our final dance.
But until then, I still want to build a beautiful relationship with Death. One where I am relaxed, at peace, and flowing with what is. My hope is that when my final curtain comes, I’m calm. Expectant. Open.
Ok, so where does this leave me on my health journey?
The same place I was before: getting gradually worse with no real understanding of why.
I’ve had a consistent feeling that whatever is happening with my body will eventually resolve itself - transforming me from Medical Mystery to Medical Miracle.
Medha Murtagh | Medical Miracle.
Has a nice ring, don’t you think?
In the meantime, I’ll continue taking super good care of me, gently doing whatever spiritual and personal practices call me.
Right now, I’m alternating between meditating with Death and percolating in my own self love.1
One feels like communing with the darkness and the other feels like communing with the light.
I used to think the lightness was better than the dark. But I realise now that I was misunderstanding the nature of life and the universe. Dark does not mean bad. It doesn’t mean gloomy. Or evil. The darkness is a vitally important part of the whole.
Dark can mean obscured. Invisible. Unseen. And it can - perhaps surprisingly - feel like a sanctuary. But only when I’m open to it. Never when I’m resisting it.
I thought I understood the value of the Yin and the Yang. And I guess I kinda did. But as I face the darkness that I’ve previously avoided, I’m starting to understand it in a more personal and intimate way.
This adventure is still in its early phases. I’ll be sure to keep you posted!
Got anything to say in response to any of this? I’d love to hear it. For your convenience, allow me to provide you with our old friend, the comment button:
If you prefer to respond to questions, there’s here’s some I prepared earlier!
What’s your favourite drawing this week?
Do you still have grandparents? I’m 46 and the only one that is still on the Earthly Plane (my mum’s mum).
Have you had cause to face your own death before? Did it change you in any way?
What’s been making you happy lately?
Thanks so much for being here. You rock.
I connect with the self-love that lives in my heart and use my consciousness to grow that feeling - so that I start to feel like I’m percolating in it. (Ha. We just made history with our first ever footnote!)
Hi Medha
My partner and I went through something similar (though different) to you this week. Our experienced was more protracted, but still one that has brought about change and even more grace into our lives. He had become increasingly out of breath with the simplest of exercise and a cough had developed over time. Some tests were done, none of which seemed to provide any reasonable answers. Over a week ago now, his doctor suspected emphysema which is terminal within a few years (he has never smoked, though was a passionate cyclist, exposed to carbon monoxide over many years of road cycling). The doctor also suggested it could possibly be something more "sinister". A chest xray was booked.
The time between getting a referral, getting the test done and awaiting the results were torture, to say the least. During this time, I often thought of you because you had taken your readers on a journey that led in the same direction as my partner was experiencing. Sadness stalked my sleep and I tip toed throughout the days, trying to stay positive for my partner, whilst feeling gutted about the possibility of losing him. Yesterday we waited all day for a phone call from his doctor, who rang late in the afternoon. My stomach was in knots when the doctor started exchanging pleasantries. I was thinking the worst. Then he said: " the chest xray is completely normal. We can probably start to look at late onset asthma or perhaps a food allergy". The feeling of euphoria was instant. We have made decisions about our life that we probably would have dragged out. I am always grateful to our amazing universe for giving us the nudge to move along and do the things that we should be doing for a fun and beautiful life. I was elated that you received the all-clear, too. I loved the synchronicity of it all. But I'm used to synchronicities in my life and continue to be grateful for the lessons and messages that I am blessed to receive from our universe.
Blessings. Michele xx
I F-ING love this so much. Phew re diagnosis. Sorry about your Grandma & other things you shared. The toons are exceptional. Collate into comic book? Medha Murtagh | Medical Miracle has a nice ring to it. Daredevil as a woman from Downunder who’s a Spiritual Badass? Kick on 👏👏👏😄